relationships...

So I was talking to a friend today about it, and I bet everybody in the world can write long vague essays about it. Probably why there are so many books dealing with it. Ever find yourself in one? just sorta happened outta nowhere. Didn't expect it or look around for it? Or maybe you were the chaser and life couldn't have been any more exciting with a new motivation in your life. Maybe I might see her in the local Starbucks today, so I better dress well. Maybe if I walk this way, I might bump into her. There are about a million ways that people get into relationships and for millions of different reasons. I'll call the friend that I talked to today, Friend MC just for reference. I believe that there are vaguely two sides to a particular part of someone's personality. I'm sure everybody has heard of it before, thought about whether or not you are feeler or a thinker. Feelers being the kinda person that tends to rely on their inner feelings and emotions...the kinda people where it is just instinctual to "follow your heart". "I don't like someone. Why? I don't know. I just don't. I didn't get a good feeling" says the feeler. I am not a FeeLer and neither is MC. Thinkers are the type of people that tend to think about things, alot more than they have to many times, about everything. When making decisions, or trying to understand "WHY?" is probably second nature to thinkers. Perfect example would be the oracle in the Matrix, who inpires and informs Neo that decisions were already made and that the only thing left to figure out is why. If I were to guess, I'd say most people that I know were thinkers like myself. It's ironic though to hear somebody that thinks about everything describe what they think and their opinion by starting off with the infamous "I feel like...". It's actually kinda funny, cuz I do it all the time now also. I'd say in my opinion though that it's a hell of a lot harder to be feeler than a thinker because of the fact that feelings are irrational and vague and unreasonable. Emotions run through us every day and we feel them, but we can't prove them. How do you argue with somebody about something when all you have is your feelings? You just can't win. In a relationship where a girl has nothing but her feelings telling herself that this relationship is right, but nothing else, how can she convince the guy and show her how she really feels and what she sees? That situation would just be horrible and the girl is the one that end up getting hurt and jaded.

MC is a hardcore thinker, more than I, probably one of the most mechanically minded and thinker that I know so far. MC needs everything in his/her life to make sense. It was interesting to hear because I think that's how I'd want it as well. For everything in my life to be there or happen for a reason. If something doesn't make sense in my life, it creates a bit of anxiety and stress, because then I would have to think and think and think about why, and what the reason is as to why this is happening or why I am like this. I need that reason. I guess my whole need for explanations hasn't been as apparent to me until I actually heard MC talkin bout it. Third person perspective on things is great. I realize that without reason, without knowing why, that's when life starts to become vague and obscure. Losing track of what I need to do, of priorities, of people. I'm still tryin to figure out what the whole point of all this blabber is, and I know it has something to do with relationships and why the fact that me being a thinker affects me in relationships or the dynamics of it. MC didn't understand why in a relationship people do unsensible things and why people go through so much, or put up with so much. "It just doesn't make sense", says MC. I agreed. It really doesn't. It was giving MC so much anxiety though just even talking or thinking about it, and it seemed frustrating. Love is irrational though, and it doesn't make sense. But there needs to be a balance between love and thinking, balance between feeling and thinking, between emotions and logic, between irrationality and rationality. So I'm worried that whatever relationship I get into, I'm gonna think way too much and not let my emotions have any say. Or my emotions will just take over and I won't think about things enough. I just can't find the balance, and I don't know if I ever will. Love doesn't make sense, and because it doesn't, I don't know if it'll eVer make sense to me. I'll constantly and constantly be searching for valid and logical reasons, when there isn't one, and it'll just be the end of me.

I think I wrote too much because I'm just lost. My thoughts are all scattered and there ain't no way I'm gonna collect and organize them anytime soon. I think too much though, thats one thing. So I should stop...