Living With Morality

How many times a day, month, or year do you find yourself making decisions based on your perception of what's right versus wrong?  Whens the last time a close friend asked you for the same opinion?  The ultimate question looming in their heads is am I right, or am I wrong?  Am I being honest or just plain mean?  Selfish in a good or bad way?

When friends need support and encouragement, often times they're seeking affirmation from their peers.  Reassuring them they're not crazy, selfish, or wrong usually does the job.  Ultimately, we're simply reinforcing in their heads that they are in fact staying consistent with their inner moral code.  Whether they are aware of this or not, I'd probably say no, but at the time of desperation, it usually doesn't matter.  People search for ways to feel at peace with their inner selves, regardless of the reasons.  Admittedly, I've gone through the same process and have found myself asking the same questions repetitively to my peers, seeking the same bit of reassurance and proving I also have a moral code for which I instinctively try to abide by.

Where does this underlying sense of morality come from, and why do we continue to incessantly subject ourselves to it?  I've thought about this question for many months, and although I can list out the possible influences, the truth is that I just don't know.  Parental guidance, religious influences, family environment, teachers, life experiences, media.  How much is taken away from each, and at what point did we simply start to accept the morals we've acquired without question?  Going on a slight tangent, I've had discussions with friends about my personal experience with the Christian religion before and about the use of guilt as a tool to humble thy selves before God and repent, asking for forgiveness.  It's all a little depressing to me, living life subjected to the wills of a higher being other than yourself, but who am I to judge.  I still struggle in coping with the resentment I harbor towards it, but I'm gradually realizing the guilt I feel may be coming from a different source entirely.  Regardless, my morals were primarily rooted in the religion I was born and raised in, Christianity, but obviously there were other factors at play as well.  Because of this, I'm still intrigued when encountering an agnostic or atheist friend who's inflicted with the same or sometimes even higher guilty conscience which I possess.  I wonder.  Where did their moral code originate from instead?  It's quite a mystery to me still how powerfully our morals can drive us to behave in certain ways and propel us to continually make decisions based on our own tailored perception of what is "good".  How often do we stop and reevaluate why we even care to do such good deeds?  Are there actual reasons behind them, or are we simply following the expectations set by the world around us?  I like to think the common driving factor for our actions are based on whatever generates a greater sense of fulfillment in our lives, fulfillment being defined in the internal sense and not one based on physicality.  What I've recently realized is these actions may not line up with our perceptions of what is morally right or good.  Dare I say there may be no correlation at all.  Next time you're feeling guilty for wanting to be selfish in life at the expense of others, realize that the guilt stems from the dissonance between your proposed actions and morals.  Try not to let it get in the way.  We may feel like a "bad" person, but why is it we're expected to always be "good"?  The guilt we feel internally is a conditioned response based on growing up in a world where we're taught to be good people who do good things.  I want to deconstruct this idea with the intention of reconstructing it from scratch and reevaluating whether the outcome remains the same.

I remember learning in Anthropology that our world is filled with dyadic oppositions, and it is so true.  Black/white, left/right, down/up, cold/hot, female/male, night/day, homo/hetero, bad/good, wrong/right, hell/heaven, and the list goes on.  From the moment we're born, we're conditioned to think in pairs.  Our minds were trained to categorize actions into rights versus wrongs where one is considered better, higher, or stronger than the other.  The ultimate truth is that the world is very gray, constantly evolving and changing, filled with exceptions, irregular, and nonuniform.  The world cannot be broken down into two parts, yet we're always trying to in order to make sense of it all.  When there isn't two sides to choose from, people may feel lost, confused, and without direction.  We're raised always believing one is better than the other when in reality, they're both just very different.  Every situation is surrounded by so much context, and we need to get in the habit of spending more time studying this context to help us gauge the bigger picture.  If you ever find yourself judging another person based on your own morality, think again.  Take into consideration what their moral code book is comprised of and whether they're honoring it.  If they are, then they're simply following the rules just like we all are, doing what they're meant to do, and being true to themselves.

I'm currently trying to eliminate the words "should" and "shouldn't" from my vocabulary, particularly around the topic of morals.  When people ask for my opinion on whether they're acting in a bad way, my answer will always be no, because quite frankly, it doesn't matter.  Feeling guilty about our own bad behavior implies the belief that we're meant to only do good things in the world.  All our actions are preceded by a need which seeks fulfillment.  Sometimes the act of fulfilling this need will fall into the good category, and sometimes it just won't.  Categorizing one's actions into good versus bad becomes irrelevant for this reason.  Meanwhile, my conscience is now warning me about the situations where others are hurt as a result of someone fulfilling their individual needs, and I'm tempted to declare them as being wrong.  After all, I'm also a victim of my own morals, but I'll refrain from saying anything more and simply leave it at that.

A Cry For Yelp

I recently submitted feedback to Yelp about my frustration with first-to-reviewers who post reviews on restaurants and have never eaten at yet alone stepped a single foot inside the place.  They do it for the potential chance at popularity, for the virtual badges which makes their virtual selves feel special.  They want others to recognize their resourcefulness and for being so in-the-know of the latest and greatest local eats in the neighborhood.  Because without the recognition or acknowledgment by others, they feel indifferent with taking the time to write anything.  Their motivation to write reviews is proporational to the number of people reading them.  I understand this and don't think there's anything wrong with the mentality.  We're only human after all, and we all like to feel important.  However, it doesn't justify peoples' actions to fulfill this need by claiming a first-to-review in which they didn't earn.  This is a problem.

I complained to Yelp and got a curt response back from someone named Gail.  Quite frankly, I'm too apathetic these days to care.  Instead of following up with Gail, I'm posting our little exchange below as a means to archive this moment of brief yet empowering frustration.

Hi,

Thank you for contacting Yelp about this business listing.

While the business may not be open, often the first reviews provide some useful information about the soon-to-be-open business. However, we may eventually remove reviews if they are not updated after the business has opened.

Regards,
Gail
Yelp User Support
San Francisco, California

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dannlee@gmail.com
Yelp! Feedback: Ideas to improve Yelp
Comments:
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It happens all the time.  For the sake of snatching the "First to review" badge, people review a restaurant they have neither eaten at let alone stepped into.  The restaurants are not even open yet for goodness sake.  I cry bullshit!

As a fellow Yelp user and reviewer, I find this incredibly frustrating.  Achieving "First to review" is certainly a privilege and a reward in itself.  It's a raw first impression without the influences of previous reviewers who've posted before you. I find value in knowing what this impression was.  Instead, I find a meaningless to-be-reviewed note left by an attention-seeking individual who misinterpreted the concept of "First to review" as "First to leave an arbitrary comment against a new business not yet in the system". I understand the need to incentivize your reviewers to urgently post their thoughts, thus by adding to your growing wealth of user information. But come on! How about enforcing some basic criteria? Let's start with #1: You must have eaten here!