Gaining Through Losses

I forgot my phone in the car today as I boarded the Tahoe ski bus early morning.  By the time I'd realized, it was too late for me to get off and go back for it.  The moment came, and sudden anxiety came over me.  The thought of being without a mobile device for an entire day prompted uneasiness and stress.  I challenged myself to acknowledge and accept the feelings I had which then empowered me to use this opportunity as a means to break free from my attachments to the digital world.  I found inner peace with being disconnected and was well on my way to a great day on the slopes.  I couldn't wait.

Sixteen hours later, we arrive back in SF, mentally refreshed, exhausted, but happy.  It was a great day.  I arrived back to my car only to discover the driver-side window smashed, glass everywhere, Nexus One gone, 2nd gen iPod in the center console gone.  My precious car was broken into.  My precious phone was taken from me.  My iPod which held sentimental value and had been through so much with me was stolen.  I was obviously upset.  Then I learned the guy who'd parked right next to me also had his car broken into, window smashed, same deal except he lost a stereo head unit.  We both commiserated with each other over our losses.  Despite the undeniable anger, frustration, and anxiety I felt, it mostly subsided and with the help of him entering the picture.  Throughout our interactions, it reminded and pushed me to stay mindful of the situation which successfully prevented me from exuding negativity.  In my head, the last thing we needed in an already negative situation, was more negativity.  For some reason, I sensed he felt the same even if it was subconscious thoughts.  I felt a moment of connection.  We both empathized with and for each other.  Two strangers, suffering a loss.  The negative situation had transformed into something special.

Life is funny.  I went from owning arguably the coolest phone in the market today to owning a sub-par loaner which I can't call my own.  Throughout this experience, I realized how much value I placed in these material goods and how much I took pride in them.  Now they're gone, and I've learned to recognize them for what they are.  I've once again been pushed to refocus and appreciate again what is actually important.  People.  And speaking of which, I enjoyed quite a few great exchanges and conversations on the bus ride back with a potential new friend.  Try stealing that away.  Obviously no one can.

Personal Growth

After asking a friend for a reference to a good custom blogger template website, I took a moment to scour the large gallery and eventually selected the template you're seeing today.  I never previously cared about my blog's presentation, but I've recently been applying greater pressure upon myself to write more frequently.  Publicly or privately, it really doesn't matter.  I just want to write more.  With such an endless array of thoughts constantly brewing around in my head, I'm desperately seeking more channels to extract them out.  As people often say, better out than in, right?

I've seldom used my public blog since its inception, but I'm now seriously considering it as a potential outlet.  This wasn't going to be easy though, and I needed all the help and motivation I could find.  One idea was simple aesthetics.  Though very subtle, I somehow realized that having an attractive site to display one's own content actually does motivate one to push out new content.  The concept is a bit fascinating which reminded me again how important and relevant the art behind presentation remains in our lives.  There's no denying it. My mobile blog was definitely an influence here.

I was browsing through my blog entries, and I discovered this entry saved as a draft dating way back to 10/27/2005.  I instantly thought, "How typical of me to start a task and leave it unfinished.".  It served as a reminder to myshortcomings and inability to complete projects, goals, and ideas I've started.  Nevertheless, here it is:

Five Habits of Mine
Tagged By: Steve, Amy W.

1. "H2O" I drink a cup of water, sometimes two, every morning.
2. "Dancing (more mentally than physically)" - everywhere... in elevators, at work, in class, subway platforms, bathrooms, retail stores, dressing rooms, you get the idea.
3. "Smelling Fetish" - I have an extremely curious nose with a natural born instinct to smell just about anything. I guess I can relate with dogs and cats.
4. "Food Compartmentalization" - Mashed potatoes, steak, veggies, rice, kimchi, etc. are kept separated from each other. Touching is ok as long as each item has its own space. Naturally, as I eat, the space between compartments increases. Ideally, my very last bite will reveal a clean plate.

Let's hope I never have anything in the "Drafts" folder for this long ever again.

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A recent book I read theorized personal growth as occurring the moment one realizes their fixed ideas, beliefs, and conclusions about the world become too far fallen from the current truth and no longer applies.  One's entire ideology of the world begins to crumble piece by piece until one is eventually forced to reconstruct it by gathering new information about the changed world they now live in.  This process of reconstruction is painfully uncomfortable since you've essentially lost a grip on what you once acknowledged as reality.  You once understood the world you're living in, but now you don't anymore.  This is the moment when personal growth is achieved.  Take a look at human muscles as an example.  At the gym, we lift weights and exercise to tear them apart, ultimately forcing them to reconstruct themselves with bigger and stronger ones.

There is always growth after pain.  When you've finished reconstructing your perceptions of the world, your understanding is not only restored but expanded as well.  I guess they call this wisdom.  Comfort, confidence, feelings of content and knowledge are restored.  Meanwhile, the world around you continues to evolve every single day.  Eventually, it'll once again evolve into a place you no longer understand, thereby initiating another episode of personal growth.  The walls come crashing down again, and you're forced to reconstruct yourself thus perpetuating the endless cycle.

I admit.  Life has been tougher to live and understand these days.  I'm definitely in a reconstruction phase which at least means I am growing.  Many realizations I've learned about myself have changed.  What I thought were the roots of my personality no longer appear to be valid, and I'm getting closer to uncovering the truths behind it.  My understanding of the relevance between good and bad, right versus wrong, have completely changed.  The things I thought were true about this world no longer seem to apply.  I'm researching, reflecting, and rebuilding.  Life is challenging right now, but I know it's meant to be.  Within this truth do I find Solace.