Tuesday, May 05, 2009

The Truth About Unicorns

"dann, i get it. she's your unicorn..." - amy

when i reiterated this statement to friends, nobody knew what i was talking about. each attempt i made to summarize the meaning of the word "unicorn" always left me feeling dissatisfied with the explanation. i realize now that it's genuinely because it's a hard concept to describe without sounding a bit loony. it's a bit frustrating at times how i can conceptualize ideas so crystal clearly in my mind, but when trying to describe it in words, it becomes so unbelievably difficult. this is the story of my life. on the other hand, if verbal communication was easy and unchallenging, it probably won't be as interesting of a task. the irony...

i don't believe a single general definition of the term "unicorn" can be applied to all. it's unique, special, and means something slightly different to everyone. some things are best explained simply through a bit of life context. rather than crafting a general definition of what "unicorn" means, i think i need to just tell my story.

my unicorn is one particular person (a girl) from my childhood youth who within a specific time frame unknowingly ingrained a long-lasting impression on me that'll stick with me probably forever. a seed was planted, and i've since been helplessly enchanted with the idea that we're both cosmically intertwined and destined to be involved in each others lives. it's ambiguous whether this connection is meant to be shared on an intimate level versus it being carried out in a life-long evolving friendship. either way, there's just something about her that i've always found so inexplicably awe-inspiring, and i'm helplessly drawn to it. while none of this was concluded based on rational thinking, it's really just a byproduct of a few personal experiences and some intuitive observations from a distance.

in my mind, unicorns are mystical creatures, angelic and pure beings. i see their silky white coat and mane, which makes them appear majestic and absolute. there isn't an ounce of evil in their soul, and similarly, neither does it exist in my unicorn. i don't mean that literally, but more figuratively. she sits on a high pedestal where no wrong can be done while i gaze upwards in envy.

few of my close friends have heard me mention her at some point along with the various fateful events that caused us to reunite more recently. my colleague used an alternative phrase, "she's your winnie cooper!" as a supplement to my conceptualization of the term "unicorn". it made sense and was definitely analogous to what i was describing, all with one subtle difference. truthfully, my unicorn and i never officially established a friendship. my interactions with her were close to none nor did i ever hang out with her one-on-one or in a group setting. i never called her nor did i ever muster enough courage to say "hi!" to her in the hallways between class periods. i didn't know where she lived. i didn't know what type of music or movies she liked or what she did on the weekends. i simply knew who she was, and she knew who i was. we went to the same small schools with less than two hundred graduating seniors. everybody knew everybody. you see the same faces in the hallways. if you put a yearbook in front of me, i could easily speak the names of every face i see, and through circumstance, we had our random occasional run-ins. meanwhile, i secretly had an irresistible crush on her since an early age.

it's fascinating to me how i can vividly remember some of the very few specific scenarios where we've interacted. although i'd never personally inquired about her to anyone, i'd inadvertently see and hear through other people the things she involved herself in. after all, we did go to the same schools. no need to delve into those specifics, but the most significant memory i had is the experience we shared just before we departed. we connected, and we bonded. i felt it, and my heart was telling me she did too. it was a glimpse of hope that seemed to have lasted less than a millisecond in retrospect, and just like that it was gone. i didn't possess the confidence or social skills to nourish and pursue a relationship that i instinctively knew would've been special, and i didn't possess the intuition to foresee what i was giving up. i was an angry teenage recluse whose identity was in utter turmoil, all while dabbling in a bit of depression and apathy. it really couldn't have happened in any other way. so there are no regrets. instead, i'm simply left eagerly awaiting the next moment in time where our life paths will cross again.

these seemingly insignificant memories are actually the defining memories that stuck with me. after many years later, long after i had deliberately forgotten my high school past, i started randomly dreaming of her like it was some sign from above. it was truly bizarre and left me questioning its purpose. i started feeling an urge swoop over me, forcing me to retrospectively analyze my attraction towards her. i remembered her, and i remembered she was someone i genuinely respected and had deemed incredibly special. i remembered the intense yearning i felt to befriend her, get to know her, and simply be somewhat of a presence in her life. i grew determined to relieve my curiosity and ultimately reach closure despite the fact that the odds were weighing heavily against me. i've since then realized that she was always and may always be my unicorn.

there's nothing sinful, scary, or dark about it. the unicorn is not someone i'm attracted to for tangible reasons, whether it be physical or mental. it's more or less fueled by a connection felt at some point which i interpreted as genuine, even if for just a split second. it's innocent and pure like a unicorn, and i feel strangely bonded even though i hardly had a convincing reason to explain why. it sometimes feels a bit creepy, naive, and obsessed when really, it's none of the above. this is what i suppose happens when attempting to translate its meaning into words. a friend of mine refers to the word "stuck" when describing people who've entered our lives at some point whom we'll always remember. she's one of the few that "stuck" with me, and the truth is that i may never know why. she is my unicorn.

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