What's Going On? Not Much In Your Eyes

You hear it all the time at work, on the street, at home, at the local convenience store. “What’s going on?”, asks the clerk, the friend, the co-worker, the barista, the bus driver, the guy folding clothes at H&M, the stranger you accidentally glanced and linked eyes with momentarily. Well, I’m just a little tired of hearing it lately. I tried deconstructing the meaning behind the commonly used idiom to greet and acknowledge people, and seriously. What is going on?

Call it my rebellion. Call it my quest for truth. Call it my incessant need to be authentic and always mean what I say. Call it however you see it. I’m not perfect, and sometimes I’m just not in the mood to offer a predefined monotone automatic quick response to the question.

“Not much, you?”
“You know, the usual.”
“Eh, life.”
“Went to X bar and saw X.”
“Did this and did that.”

I’ve been feeling more irritable lately. There probably are a variety of reasons why, not all which I claim to fully understand. Lack of sleep is one large factor. There’s also stress, tiredness, and mental exhaustion from emotional turmoil. Pressure from work is building. Otherwise, life is life right? No, not really, but now isn’t time or blog post to discuss it. Point is, being asked this question or any other surface-level passing greeting (whats up, how you doin, how’s it goin) has lately stirred up more bothersome annoyance than usual.

Let’s start with this notion. Sometimes I just don’t feel like socializing. Period. When in public, I feel pressure to respond to anyone who asks me a question. Needless to say, this pressure is my own, but I do believe everyone deserves a response. I don’t care if you’re Barack Obama or a homeless person on the street. Responding to someone who’s asking a question is a fundamental acknowledgment of their human existence and worth. Everyone is worthy of a response, even if it’s a negative one. There are moments where I just don’t feel like being around anyone, and then there are situations where I have no choice but to be. The questions then come in, and I don’t always understand the point. Some interactions seem rather unnecessary. It’s a judgment on my part, but it irks me. After all, what is it really for? Rather, who is it really for? I say it’s more for them than for me. It’s so they can feel social, so they can satisfy their own personal needs to start conversation with anyone who walks down the street. Another time, another place. Someday I’ll again be in the mood to be chatty and exchange small talk, entertaining the questionnaire. For now though, please find and interrogate someone else to make yourself feel better.

These days, I generally have less things to say or rather less social activities to report I’ve been doing. When I was single, I did a lot to occupy my time. I engaged in a healthy mix of external activities. I engaged in yoga, climbing, happy hours, meditation classes, volunteering, one-to-one dinners, movies, clubs, bars, concerts. These activities seemed generally more agreeable or appropriate to respond with based on outside perspective. It felt more widely accepted as a productive way to spend time. It appeared I was living life to the fullest, embracing it, seizing the day. Well, my priorities have shifted. I’m no longer single, and I occupy my time very differently now. I spend much more time with myself, with my lover, and with loved ones. I meet less people. I do less social things. I don’t go out every weekend anymore. I drink less. I dance less. I simply do less.

Perhaps it looks or sounds like I’m not doing as much. The reality though is I’m always doing a lot. I’m always stretching myself thin, trying to do more, trying to be more, trying to ___ more. Am I really doing less, or am I simply doing more in the areas less visible or noted objectively by others? My point is, who says we’re doing enough? Is it our friends, our parents, our siblings, our coworkers, our boss, our local community, strangers in the neighborhood, Facebook news feeds, religious figures? Or, is it simply ourselves? I find myself constantly asking the self-imposed question, who am I trying to please? Who I am I trying to be good enough for? If I answer internally anyone other than myself, I immediately self-correct and realign my thoughts. The only person I ever want to be good enough for is myself.

What’s going on? I don’t climb as regularly. I don’t do yoga every week. I don’t volunteer anywhere. I don’t meet up with people as frequently. I don’t see as many shows, concerts, and movies. I don’t visit the local bars and clubs anymore.

What’s going on? I am constantly fighting and working hard to resolve issues in my relationship. I am constantly thinking about my future. I am taking proactive steps to realign my life towards the direction I want to go. I am improving my relationship with my brother, how better to relate, and how better to support and cope with his illness. I am undergoing therapy on a weekly basis, working diligently, and taking notes to uncover deeper truths about myself. I am writing, journaling, and now blogging more. I am hanging out with myself, giving myself the space to be creative, to rest, to relax in the moment, and to be free. I am learning to love myself more.

I’m doing more in the areas less visible, sometimes less appreciated, sometimes less understood, and sometimes less accepted by the demanding external world. It’s easy to connect with someone who does A, B, and Z every week and weekend. It’s not as easy to connect with someone who does C, D, and X on their own private time, alone. Subject matters focused around internal emotions, self-love, and self-acceptance tend less to be spoken of, less discussed, and less related to in casual settings. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it is at the moment, and I’ll object to it every time. Next time someone asks me what’s going on, I’m going to tell them. Depending on whether they want to hear it or not, I’ll probably feel rejected and judged slightly, at which point I’ll stop. The point is, I’ll always keep trying.

If you’ve been spending your time lately recuperating from work, finding your cave time, working out marital or relationship conflicts, grieving a loss of a loved one, working on personal growth issues, sleeping/staying in to replenish your soul, or simply taking private moments to yourself without jumping at each social opportunity which gets thrown your way, go you. I support you. I hear you. I respect you. I acknowledge your undeniable strength to stand up for yourself, to yourself, and with yourself against the world.

Be who you are. Do what you need. Always.